The Online Auction by Phillip Smith

For Sale: 45 boxes of comics, approximately 250 per box.

Buy It Now Price: $50

Yep, geeks, you read that right: $50 for about 11,000 comics. I’m guessin they are from the mid 70s to the present. Marvel and DC, among other publishers, I’m told.

And this isn’t some urban legend. This is the real deal.

How did I come to receive 11,000 comics? Listen close, boys. “Divorce settlement.” He got to take what he could fit in a U-haul trailer, and I got what was left.

Geeks, take heed, as he only got 25 boxes in the U-haul and a lamp and a fryin pan beside him in the truck. That’s what good lawyerin gets you.

Remember, before you press that Buy It Now button, you may want to ask your wife or, probably, mother if it’s okay, because when 45 long boxes show up on their doorstep, they might be a bit angry. You might just have ridiculously punched a hornets’ nest with your bare knuckles. Stuck your face in a pot of boilin water.

Also, you might want to think about where you’re goin to store 45 long boxes. My ex filled up one room and let them spill into another, and once they got into the livin room I knew I had enough. And I caught him with the Phillips woman down the street. Just three freakin’ doors down. In Mr. Phillips’ pool, too. God knows the Phillips woman never worked a day in her life, so it is his pool. And he told me he was goin to the comic book store.

Boys, don’t put your foot in a bear trap and don’t cheat on your woman just three doors down and don’t say you’re goin to the comic book store because I know that your woman knows that store’s number. She’ll learn your number just as quick.

Me and Phyllis, the Phillips woman (yeah, she’s Phyllis Phillips), have become good friends, and she even helped as a witness at the divorce. Easy, cheesy, lemon squeezy.

So, back to the books, they’re all VF to NM. And, comics, I’ve been told, aren’t like men; they like a cool/dry place, not somewhere hot and wet. They’ve been kept comfortable since nothin has been hot or wet in this house for quite a while.

VF and NM are Very Fine and Near Mint, in case any ladies are lookin at this.

Actually, thinkin about it, I might just sell this lot of comics to a woman. Maybe she’ll find something good to do with them, like give them to her five-year-old or wallpaper his room with them. That would teach you comic geeks quite a lessen.

So if you’re a serious female comic collector or a mom who wants to give her rugrats 11,000 comics, just email me.

One more thing for you boys, Phyllis and I are cheatin on Mr. Phillips.

Phillip Smith graduated from the University of Evansville with a major in English and minors in journalism and literature. In the spring of 1993, his stage adaptation of the Stephen King novel Rage was presented for three weekends. His story “The Meek Inherit” was published by Jake Magazine 2.0, and his flash fiction “I’ll Kill for Rain” was published by Inscape Magazine.